How to put it…

Struggling with depression often brings around extreme reactions to stuff. When stuff doesn’t go the way you planned, a ‘normal’ person would undoubtedly feel down, upset or angry. However, when even the slightest thing doesn’t go may way, it can set my emotional progress back weeks.

This isn’t probably the best example as anybody would get annoyed/upset at this but I will explain my current situation.

Last night when enjoying a nice glass of wine I found a letter addressed to me down the back of the sofa, my flatmate doesn’t understand the concept of giving the letters directly to me so I often don’t get my mail for weeks. This letter was to inform me of a court date set in place for not paying my council tax even after a reminder had been sent. Now, after thinking about the letter I realised that I had forgotten to transfer the money over in August, which of course I should be reminded about. However, I have still not found this ‘reminder’. I understand that I am at fault for not paying it and after receiving this, have every intention to phone up on Monday morning to transfer the money over. Everyone makes mistakes, right?

However, more importantly, the thing that has set me back is the fact that I have not received a reminder, or at least, it’s not anywhere I can think of in the flat. Now I have to pay the full year’s worth of tax, even though this is impossible for me to afford, being on ESA. I know I am the one at fault for not remembering to pay it in the first place but this does not help. Actually, me being the one at fault makes me feel 10 times worse.

For mentally healthy people, this is a setback, but for all of last night and the good part of today, this felt like the worst possible scenario to me. To try and put it into words, this one small setback for me has made me unable to leave bed and to think about anything else, until right now while I put it down on paper (so to speak). Even though I had good plans for today, I feel unmotivated to do them and only want to lie here. Depression makes every little wave seem like a tsunami.


anything that comes into my head.